Today was all about Daniel. It was a half-day sub job and I walked into a sixth grade class that was already out of control. I introduced myself, layed down my rules, and let the period begin. Within the first 10 minutes of beginning class, a child who was only a face with no name stood out in the crowd. In the first two minutes he threw a paper wad at another student. After a warning and two minutes later he was crawling around the classroom on his hands and knees. Warning two!! By minute seven Daniel was interrupting the class so much that I got angry and sent him outside. I left him there for 5 minutes before I went out to get him. After hearing him and speaking with him, I let him back into the classroom. “One more time,” I said, “and I’m sending you to the office.” By this point, I still hadn’t thought to ask for his name.
Within five minutes of reentry into class, Daniel was out of his chair and bothering another student. “Sit down!” I said in anger. “What is your name?” “David,” he said. The other students around him confirmed that he was lying within seconds of his mischevious game. “What’s your real name?” I said. “David.” “Ok, I’m going to give you one last chance to tell me your real name, or you are going to the office!” “David” again. Ra! I was so angry. “Leave.” I said. “Go to the office!” And with that, Daniel left and the class was peaceful.
Two periods later, the day ended and I was heading to the office to go home. As soon as I entered the office I heard
screaming from the Principle’s office. “Give me the phone,” a woman said. “I don’t have it!” someone said. I waited around knowing that I was the only male in the office to see if they needed help with whoever this kid was. The argument escalated. “Ii know you have it… give me the phone!!...” At this point I was looking through the glass door just in time to see the principle try to grab someone’s flailing arm, and then an anonymous elbow come flying from the other end and land square on the priniple’s chin! In an instant, Daniel ran out of the office screaming “Get the fuck off me bitch!”
I couldn’t believe what just happened. I ran after Daniel as he ran out of the office and ran into the boy’s bathroom. By the time I got to the door he had securely locked himself in one of the stalls. The assistant principle came running in and I motioned for her to let me handle it. “I had him 4th period,” I said.
So here I was, alone in the bathroom with Daniel. Silence. I sat there for 3 minutes before I said anything. “Daniel, I’m sorry,” I admitted, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry for being angry with you today. I lost my temper at you and you did not deserve that. I know you’ve had a rough day today, but I just want to ask for your forgiveness.” Nothing. I looked under the stall door and saw Daniel in the far back corner, as far away as he could be from me. “It sucks when everyone blames you for the bad stuff, doesn’t it? It sucks to get yelled at. It sucks to be hurt by the people who are supposed to love you doesn’t it?” It’s a monologue at this point, but I noticed his feet inching closer to the door of the stall. “You probably just want to be loved Daniel, and it sucks that you haven’t found that. I’m sorry that people haven’t shown you love. That hurts.”
After 30 seconds of silence, I heard the latch on the door slide slowly open. I waited. Within a couple seconds, Daniel opened the door just enough for his eye to show. “WHAM!” he slammed it shut. A couple seconds later, the same thing, only this time he opened it just a little wider, and “SLAM!” Then a little wider and slam, until he was swinging the door back and forth. I could see how much he wanted to come out, how much he wanted to be loved, but he was just straight up scared to death. He was scared that he wouldn’t really be loved, that if he really trusted me he’d just get hurt. So he kept the walls up, he chose to stay inside.
Isn't this what we do? All of us are just like Daniel. We open the doors of our hearts slowly and only enough for us to peek out, but when it looks dangerous outside, we slam the doors of our hearts shut. I do this all the time! I long so desperately to be known, but everything in me is scared to death to be seen for who I really am. If you saw the anxious, frightened, indecisive, manipulative, 'when-no-one-is-looking' Steve, you wouldn't see a pretty picture. And that is the Steve that I hide behind the doors of my locked stall. All the goofiness, vague attempts at vulnerability, and the show-you-my-good-side tactics- these are the walls of my heart. Daniel may have felt a little love that day in the bathroom, but I know that more than ever before, God gave me a picture of myself. He reflected back to me my terrified desire for love.
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